Yvonne Foong -

The reason I'm up so early is because I can't sleep last night.Yuki's ignoring me, avoiding me. I haven't been talking to him since July. There must be something that I've done. I know I'm irritating. I shouldn't have bugged him so much, ask favors for so many times, so troublesome of me. Or maybe, I shouldn't have told him who Yuki was. I regret it. I think the friendship would be better if both sides keep the guessing game. I was reading my ICQ history with Yuki. I enjoyed reading. Back then, we don't know much about each other, just another friend in school. Words said are mostly pointless, just for laughter. With no meanings. Or any specific intention. I was happier then. I really missed those times. I just want to stay being friends with Yuki. A conversational friend. I'm not hoping that he'll accept me. After all, who would want a mutant like me? Frankly, I like Yuki so much that even a simple talk makes me happy. So it doesn't matter that it's just chats, I'm happy with it. There must be something that I've done...I don't want to loose a friend. I'm so lonely....if only I can tell him these. But that's not possible anymore...

Okay, so let's see what I did today... Came online at 7am, went on irc n had little chats with some friends, discovered a way to catch up with SPM and did some other tiny winy stuffs. Then later, followed mummy to my cousin's place and had lunch there. Came home in the rain, got swollen feet and all tired. Elena and Alicia had just left. Look, how boring my life can be. Wish I could shopping, see the movie, ice skate, play arcades etc etc. I'm dying of boredom. But....aih! And I can't connect Streamyx. They said the server is down. Now using TMnet. So slow, so crappy. It was David's birthday yesterday. Only knew when Alicia reminded me. Oh, Happy Belated Birthday David Got the pictures back from Yuki. I don't blame him for not doing the favor for me. After all, he did countless favors for me already. It was very nice of him. I've no rights to get angry over anyone. I'll just pray for them. So, I pray for you, Yuki. Edit: Called Jo Kim. She's so surprised to hear from me. And happy 2. I'm also happy to hear about her. Life's exciting when two friends meet after not seing each other for a long time.

I'm tired...very tired of this wreckage of my life & the darkness of all has become. I've never felt this tired before. Maybe I was, weak all along and I never noticed it until today. When I slumped myself onto the bed, my soul was so heavy I could not carry my body up. My heart ached, crumpled in the middle so forcefully. Tears filled my eyes.... God robbed my granny two years back. The only granny I had since my parents conceived me. Next, He took my aunt's life last year. He destroyed my second mom is horror. Then he took my uncle's life three months ago, the one who lived with us. Now, he's trying to rob my dad's life. I can't stop Him from doing it. I just pray for what is best for my daddy. Apart of these, he also brought controversy to my family. I really missed those days when I was a little girl, and everyone would come about patting me on my head. At weekends and holidays, my house was filled with people and laughter. But now, it's just me, my mom and dad. It's so empty and quiet. Too empty to be living in. My other aunt, the one who broke my family, is trying to brainwash me. But I will never let her succeed. Never will. I've struggled this far. So many had sacrificed. I can't afford to let them down. But I know I won't be able to stand any longer. I'm very weak, both mentally & physically. I need to end this struggle. But how? I need to flee from my sufferings. I've had enough. I haven't been on a holiday for years ever since my family broke. Friends and relatives told me to catch up with studies. I'd love to. I really like to study and be a student. An ordinary student. But how? The major exam is next year and I've my brain to save. My ear & eyesight to preserve. I really cannot loose them. My tinnitus is killing me. How can I do all these at the same time? The once perfect future that I've dreamt has shattered. It'll never come true. I'm too tired to study. I've so much to worry about. I really need a break but I can't forget about my brain. I told mummy I'd like to leave this sad place, for a new world. A foreign land where ppl accepts NF and know nuts about my pass. She said, "yes". I'm relieved. But I have my brain to tackle, my life to save, and my education to obtain. Immigration would take up to 5 yrs. I've so many worries. More over, mummy's always insisting me to follow her spiritual path, to a lady who claimed herself as living Buddha. I've no rights to judge. But I've my own faiths. Why can't she understand me? No one understands me. My beloved aunt who did, is now gone. I avoid looking into the mirror. Afraid to see my own horid face. I look horrible to others but it never did to me. But now it has. But my face/appearance is not as frightening as my inner self. I'm burnt and shattered. I was a bubbly person. Everyone said so. N they still think so. I tried hard to break a smile at everyone, although I'm crying inside. This blog is no acception. I tried to crack jokes out of everything. Because there are people out there who cares reading and I want to retain a fresh and clean image. But what good does it make? Doey will still be Doey and nothing can be hidden. I decided to give my site a storm and won't crack smiles when I don't want to. I care no more. I'm now standing in the middle of nowhere. I used to see my perfect life, but now, it is all gone. I've nowhere to move, nowhere to go. I'm on my own. So worn out. God on high....

Took some test today. Results show I'm on IQ:99. I was curious when I first learnt that some NF patients are learning impaired. Lucky me!! But frankly, I find myself pretty stupid sometimes. It seem dificult for me to understand explanations these days. No matter how much I try to concentrate on my teachers, and the blackboard, I still can't get things right, regardless of times they repeat. I read what patients posted at the NNFF's UBB today. Their stories filled my eyes and most ways of discovering their diagnosis are similiar to mine. We never had guessed that all physical weakness within us surfaced by the same reason. Also, about how other people feel excluded from the society. The disgusted look on people's face when they meet us. Will people ever be aware of NF? NO!! But I hope they would. Although NF2 is more severe and rare, but in my humble oppinion, NF1 patients face more pressure as their syndrome is visibly awkward. But then again, we're all the same- sick. My concern now is more on my sickness and my life. Least about Yuki, for now. When I can't even handle my own self, how can I be bothered by others? I really wish I was in the US instead. At least, there's a community of NF patients over there and I won't be alone. Some of them even uses sign language to communicate. (Maybe I should learn someday. A contingency for my acoustic nerve op.)They do things together like a family. Unlike here in Malaysia, I don't think I'll ever bump into someone else who has NF2. I'm so lonely and afraid....I stand alone and no one can heal me....I'm scared...

I'm so surprised to know that NF is such a widely discussed disease on the internet, in the US. They've foundations and associations for patients and family members of NF. AND, there are even doctors/clinics in the US specializing in NF research and treatment. (maybe I should go, eh?) Sadly, there is no cure for NF patients and surgery/therapy will only lengthen our lifespan, yet, still shorter than general. I was at theNational NF Association's website and browsed through their photos. I'm very touched, because every photo taken. they're smiling brightly. Some come in families. The article says that chances of a child of an NF2 patient developing NF2 is 50-50. Then why did they wanted to have kids? Don't they have any care for the pain their child have to go through? Ok, maybe they're diagnosed with NF1 instead. NF1 is less severe and more common. Disorders of NF1 only involves peripheral nerves while NF2 involves both auditory nerves. Geee....look how much that I haven't discover about myself... Cheryl, yeah! back then when I was first operated, I can barely wriggle my toes. What more moving my limbs? THANK GOD!

What a breezy day. Good for outdoor activities. If only I can walk well. Patience.....things will get better. Went to my choir's show in school last night. The RM30 ticket price was well paid off. It was far better than what I've expected. The sound system was excellent. Thanks to Keng Yee the technician. Heh heh!! The response was good. Goodness me, I didn't expect to see Roselina & Jacqueline. They approached me with one big smile, didn't say much, only complimented the show. We all know what's happening. As for today, mom's pestering me to follow her everywhere all because I went to the show last night. Proves that I'm able to walk for a long time. *grumble* Downloaded two new skins for Trillian, my chat client. It rocks. I felt kinda pissy the entire morning thinking about a friend being so notoriously troublesome. Always complaining at the slightest problems and is never dedicate over anything. But that's just for the morning, after all, she's my good friend. I've to forgive and to forget. One day optain friendship peace. At the moment.....haih.... I'm actually working on a new layout, answer to why I haven't been blogging for days. But I just can't seem to get things done. Must have got dumb over the days in the hospital. I really can't wait to meet my surgeon on the 10th of next month. The very man who took my life in his stride. We're gonna discuss about the next stride he's gonna take over my brain. ummmm.... Cheryl No trouble! Kenneth If ants pay rent, I'm FILTHY RICH! Fenix I'm glad to be back to. *hugs*

I'm feeling very happy. I helped a friend on how to make and use a blog. It could've been just a simple favor but it satifies me deeply. I recently learnt that life's so unpredictable and we all might just die the next day. Especially me. So I made a woe that as long as I live, I'll make use of my days helping people. Seing others happy is one undescribable feeling of affection. In my days at the hospital, was a little old lady that I knew by chance. She came over to me every evening and we watched tv together. She's one very bright and cheerful woman. I enjoy very much talking and sharing things with her. Upon my first discharge for home leave, she was leaving too but she told me that she will be returning on August 22nd. And indeed, she did. At that time, I thought that the date's still a long time to come and things will be very different then. So I came back and did my op. Until the 22nd, I told mummy that an old lady that I've known will be returning today and indeed she did. Ofcourse, she came over to speak to us and there was a rather long conversation. I regret so much now, for not talking to her more. My mom dominated her concentration then. .....She went for her op and it was a success. The 70 years old lady survived the surgery pain. It was magnificient. Now, it's very common that we would all get sick after the op. I was on fever and headache almost every evening. But as for this old lady, she fell sick and was on a very high blood pressure. She was crapping for days and later fell unconcious. She was sent for a scan check and found water in the brain so they sent her for another surgery. But she was unlucky this time. Being unconcious for two days, the very sweet and kind little old lady reached the highest stage of existance on the third day. I thought that after she survived through her surgery, it would be another new hope for her. But who would thought that death had just approached nearer. Nobody would guess. It all seemed too perfect. The surgeons have no clue on how to deal with my brain, cuz the NF2's in the center of everything. Mom don't like therapy cuz it killed my aunt. As for me, I don't mind if it kills me since death's just part of nature and we will all experience it, as long as I perish my life and make it meaningful for myself and for those loved ones around me.

To call or not to call... I dunno. haih.... I dreamed a dream in time gone by, When hopes were high and life worth living, I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving. But the tigers come at night, With their voices soft as thunder, As they tear your hopes apart, As they turn your dreams to shame. He slept a summer by my side, He filled my days with endless wonder, He took my childhood in his stride, But he was gone when autumn came, And still I dream he'd come to me, And we would live these years together, But there are dreams that cannot be, And there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be, So different from this hell I'm living, So different now from what it seemed, Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. NOT TO CALL. Doey the timid gal. YES, I'm afraid of the truth. I wanna hide from it. Ignorant as I may be, but I'll be happier that way. ^_^

Susanna visited. Brought some gifts. Some from the Ipoh choir. She reminded me that I still have them as friends. But the day got darker later at night. I really miss Yuki badly. I wish he was here for me...

It's about time for me to prescribe new spectacle lenses. My brain's NF2 is making an optic nerve compression and I can't see well. Either that or I'll hook off the net.

Home Sweet Home to Doey! Yeay! I'm finally blogging again. Do you miss me? Haha!! Okay, I've too many things in mind. First of all, I've done my spinal op. It was a big success but gosh...it hurts terribly. I remember it well... All I can comment on it is NIGHTMARE. Yes, the op WAS a nightmare. Imagine being in a theatre for 11 long hours then get out of it with a full length of staples running down your back. And you've to sleep on it until it recovers. Morphin wasn't strong enough and the oxygen mask wasn't sufficient. There were wapor so I dumped it on the ground. Lots of others to say but I really don't want to flood my dear blog. I'm really exhausted today. Waken up at 6am by my mom, ate breakfast and THERE CAME THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST!! "WHAT? PHYSIO UPON DISCHARGE TOO?" Okay whatever. Pn. Naremah's the best therapist, well known for her experience and her mouth. BlaBlaBla and there, it's announced. And she enjoys telling people that I used to scold her. WHERE GOT? She probably mistaken me for another girl. Well, 2 weeks ago, started to learn how to sit. Then did physio and learn standing. Next she thought me to walk with support. Today I walked without bar support but it didn't work so she trained me to stand without support instead. So later had lunch, took 4 month's MC, some documents and off we went, my mom wheeling me out, biding everyone goodbye, but as we reached the lift, to our dispointment, the lifts were out of service so we waited till 3pm and reached home at 5pm. Ate porridge, watched movie, crept up the stairs like an old lady with mummy and daddy's help, bathed and here I am. As for now, let me catch up a bit of life first. I'll continue my grandmother story sometime later.... oh yeah, my hotmail account was DEACTIVATED so I'm not liable for any unread mails ar...