Yvonne Foong -

Here I am again confused about my education. Now I am convinced to do English since I am strong at it. I want to master English which is what a Bachelor of Arts in English can give me. But heck... to qualify for admission I need A Levels standard and heck I hate general education. So then someone told me about TEFL (teaching English as a Foreign Language) but this one, I suspect, is not as in-depth like the BA and does not cover my interests. I doubt there are any colleges offering the BA accept Southern College in Johor Bahru. So I need to get into a Uni. for that. So... what should I do?

Seems like the adults are much more concerned about getting a sound education more than I do. But then they might be right, I am still young and I should make use of time and opportunity. Who knows what the future holds and a degree is like a passport to success. They don't want me to end up like them. Oh well... they should know better.

This is my last day here in LA. I don't feel like leaving. It's like my soul is nesting here already. The society, the people, the atmosphere, the weather, the culture, the mentality... I can't leave them behind.

My complexion has gone darker after a long day under the sun yesterday at SeaWorld, San Diego. We got to see lots of sea animals including Shamu the killer whale, the main attraction. I wonder how long it takes to train a whale or a dolphin. After each time a stunt is done, it swims towards its trainer and some fishes will be tossed into its mouth. That's the order of life and it applies to animals as well. You've to work for what you want. There's absolutely no free meal. McDonald's Happy Meal concept isn't logical either.

Well... I don't know what the future holds but I pray for the best. There's no use to dwell on this beyond our control. I shall make good use of anything that comes my way. That's how most people survive I guess... This will be the last post I'm blogging while on this trip. The next time I'll be home already. Well, it's still a long day more before my flight home on Sunday 1:45am, California time. Should arrive on Monday afternoon, Malaysian time. When I come here I gain a day and when I go back, I loose. Fair enough, huh? ah well... that's about it I guess. At least nowadays flying isn't boring as it was last time, with all the in-flight entertainments. haha!

Aha! Here I am again, fresh with new experiences and expectations. Life is beautiful and full of surprises, yes it is! We spent the whole afternoon at Hollywood yesterday. Ate yummy food and saw great things like the Walk of Fame and celebrities' hand and foot prints. Visited Ripley's Believe it or not too. Today, I had an appointment with Dr. Friedman in the morning and discussed about my next tumor to be dealt by him. We agreed that I have my MRI done in Malaysia after 6 months and have them mailed to him. When the tumor gets larger, he will bring me back here for surgery again. I had took pictures with him and Laurie at the clinic. He's so busy we have to practically GRAB him once he is available. Haih..he's such a great guy, wish I was born later. heheh! I tried locating Dr. Hitselberger but he wasn't in, I've to catch up with him maybe on Friday. I also forgot to make an appointment with Dr. Stefan. How silly I was.

In the afternoon, I met up with Michael who also has NF2. We had lunch and movie together. He had to leave early so to avoid the heavy traffic after office hours. We watched Princess Diary 2. It's a good movie for when you want to relax and just that. In fact, I am surprised Michael, who's a guy, enjoys Princess Diary. Well he says it helps him ease stress at school. He's doing his masters in Rehabilation Counseling. Fantastic fella... I admire his strength very much and I am going to be like him.

Tomorrow we will head to San Diego early in the morning to visit SeaWorld and the zoo. We will skip DisneyLand cuz it's not worth going since we all went to DisneyWorld before and it is much nicer. So maybe next time we will go to DisneyWorld in Florida.

My aunt and I spoke about my education just now. It really doesn't matter what people think. I feared that my friends will be degree holders accept me so I try to do what they can. But now I have to accept it that I can't and it doesn't matter because I am different and I don't have to be like them, peer pressure huh. Dr. Friedman says I should follow my passion, when I asked him if I should go ahead with my vocal training. I've one sided hearing and my left has a tumor which I hope will not affect my hearing completely. Dr. Friedman says he can remove it while preserving my hearing for another 40 years or so. Then, it will be a good age for the implant. I don't think I should doubt further. Since he told me to go ahead, it means he is confident I will still have hearing for a very long time. Like I said, I can count on him. The AN was all over my facial nerve and he managed to remove the tumor without causing further damages to the nerve. Amazing isn't it? Adding that he is so experienced it isn't necessary to question his words.

So we were saying that perhaps I should take up short courses like secretarial and computer, as foundation in the future when I finally get my greencard to work here. At the same time, continue with my vocal lessons and pray for the best. And yes, my aunt's doing immigration for me and my mom. Phew! what do you think? Comment on this okay?

Ed's blog never fail to evoke deep emotions in me. He's a typical cancerian, yes he is, very much. Adding to that he is also very verbal. His latest post made me realise something that I have changed. I used to have a habit of doubting every single action I do. That's what everyone else does. But little did I realise that I've grown out of it. I have not been looking back on my tracks for a long while. Is it because I have no fear? or I am afraid to loose? afraid of knowing my faults? I am almost always confident with the things I did and have no doubts about them. I believe I've done the best for myself and that is it. Is it over confidence?

I sure do feel better with this new attitude, without doubt or fear of the past. The future is much more scarier because it is unseen and is due to conditioning by your own doings. It's also more exciting and motivating, unlike the past that records your spiritual achievements. But for the past, you are where you are today.

Then again, Am I really over-confidence or I have been doing all the right things that there's nothing left to doubt? Maybe I won't feel this way if I had taken a wrong step. I might feel very sorry for myself and regret it. This... I am yet to find out but I hope I never have to.

I brought my mom to Santa Monica this evening and it was rewarding! Cuz I got myself some CDs at prices we cannot get in Malaysia. These are the CDs purchased:

1. Turandot, by Giucomo Puccini -US$11.99
2. Don Giovanni, by Mozart -US$21.99
3. A-Z of opera, a compilation of the world's most famous arias. US$11.99
4. Se tu m' ami, Cecilia Bartoli- US$16.99 (contains lots of arias I've learnt.)
5. The Opera Album- Andrea Bocelli -US$18.99

Note that these imported CDs costs around RM100 each. Wanted to buy this CD by Andrew Lloyd Webber but mom was hurrying me home already. *sigh* There were some other CDs I wanted too but not so important like Vivaldi's four seasons and Purcell's Dido and Aeneas. When I saw the classical shelf I ran towards it like a nutter cuz it's CRAZY! You can't get everything in one bookshop like this in Malaysia. *drools*

In the previous post I talked about my worries. Now I'd like to state the reason why I want to stay. Last time, I used to think that the hope of leaving your home country is a childish thought and any normal teenager would have thought about it. But now I realise that my dreams are real and they exist based on solid reasons.

About 2 years ago, my gang and I used to describe our dream home, during lunch breaks and intervals. We once planned to study in Aussieland together, share the rent, rare a pet dog and the list goes on. Kenrick always had the worst share. haha! But looks like nothing in those conversations actualised. The ultimate goal of those plans was education. We even talked about who should be what. Almost all of us intended to study psychology. But nobody actually did.

Now 2 years later (only 2), my dream still remains the same. I want to flee! But for much different reasons and the desire is much greater too. I know that life is not always within our control and we have to surrender ourselves to fate once in awhile(or is it all the time?). But I still believe that when you think you can, you can, and the wonders of the solar plexus actualising your concious thoughts.

So what do I want? First, let me just reveal my top 3 priorities that begins with... nope it's not time yet. I can't exactly pen down my top 3 priorities definitely. Because circumstances reconditions itself everyday and I'm still young and SELFISH. yeah I put myself before anyone else. And that's enough to describe my priorities, huh? ok... now.. so I want to remain in the U.S, why? To be exact, it is here at St. Vincent's.

1. I've no fear that my health will take its toil because my surgeon is concerned as much as I do. He thinks ahead of me and all I need to do is ask him and he has got the answers prepared. Here in St. Vincent's everything is close by. Fellow surgeons at the House Ear Institute (which is across the street) have seen THOUSANDS of NF2 patients so they're very experienced in my case. Next to the HEI, is the National Transplant center. We also have very good spine surgery conducted here. Basically, St. Vincent is a great medical hub.

   Unlike in Malaysia, I've to persuade my surgeon to act on my case before it is too late and I've to constantly provide him with up-to-date informations about NF. I've to find my own alternatives and help all by myself. Nobody really knows what NF is.

2. The community here is very friendly. It is not because this is a hospital and they have to be nice. It is very obvious to be that the sincerity comes straight from their heart by the way they talk and present themselves. St. Vincent is a non-profit hospital and yet the staffs and nurses here are very friendly. They don't seem to mind the pay at all.

   In Malaysia, people are more self-centred. They do not reach out to you unless u ask, and even then they are reluctant to act. During conversations, people seem fake and 'closed'.

3. Living here, I learn to be more calm and easy-going. There is no urgency to travel from one spot to another. Probably because it's cold here there's no need to seek shelter! haha! But really, it's also very normal to be by yourself. There is no need to pretend, to be occupied and accompanied. It's perfectly normal to sit around alone wondering by yourself.

   In Malaysia, I tend to join the rat race. Always running to beat time, to keep myself busy. And when you're sitting around alone, there's something wrong with you. You need to connect with your friends and go yamcha-ing. Here, people don't go for drinks as often as Malaysians. We do REAL things here.

4. And I don't get my usual running nose here.
5. I've to admit, I am not in good terms with my father. It may not be as bad as it seem, but it's mentally torturing. No matter how hard I try to tolerate and see beyond his faults, I cannot deny the fact that I'm already poisoned with deep hatred. I cannot forgive him for what he has done and is still doing. I cannot forgive him for what he put us through. I get headaches all the time when I am at home. My head spins at the sight of him.

   I want to get away from him. Being away, I do not get reminded about him, and that reduces stress off me. I no longer feel sorry for my mom.

6. I also want to get away from all the family controversies that arised since I turned 14. It probably existed even before then but I was too naive to realise. It sux to bother who caused who's death, who owes who's money, who's being evil and what not. I hate my family for that, I know its unhealthy to feel this way but I cannot deny the fact!

   Being here, I am practically out of contact with such controversial communications. Everyday I am presented with positive situations and communications. It nourishes my mind and body. I feel elliviated.

7. I am more accepted here. I am seen upon as a natural being. People talk to me very closely and I feel so warm and loved. They see me approaching, and quickly extend their arms to welcome whatever I have. People doesn't see the difference in me.

   Home in Malaysia, I am afraid to walk the streets. I am like the 'phantom of the opera' wishing I had a mask to disguise. Yes everyone tells me it is okay and don't be bothered by what people think. But that's impossible. I swear the evil stares I get wherever I go. I am treated differently at social gatherings and publich places. I am always reminded of my own physical defects.

   Yes you people might be cursing me for condemning my home country. But it is true. malaysians ARE like that and even if you try to coverline and prove yourself different, you are still a malaysian and have the Malaysian habit in you. Maybe 1 out of 5 is a kind soul but he will still analytically discriminate you silently in his mind. It's human nature. You are the fruit of your upbringing. It's the society that conditioned the people's mind, unfortunately. (I'm a malaysian too and I hope I grow out of it soon.

   Hardly anyone looked straight into my eyes when they speak. Even the doctors, my own surgeons, the nurses... even my own mother! But here, people look directly at me. Dr. Friedman stares deep into me when he speaks and that way I feel warm and connected.

I hate to go back to my past, to the Malaysian society, to be discriminated, to be outcasted. I refuse to face my family and its manipulating relationships. I want it here. I know saying is not enough. But I should not go beyond this point. This post is for listing the reasons behind my dream. and here it is, I presented them to you.

I'm now on 'holiday' in the city of angles. I go shopping, visiting, recreating and I look somewhat joyous from the outside. But I cannot bring myself to write about the happy things I've been doing. This is when materials are proven not important for me.

So I shall list my current worries. not very long but enough to drag my days.

1. I almost forgot that I have BILATERAL ACOUSTIC NEUROMA. You see there are so many tumors in my body, I tend to loose track off and on.
2. I want to be a vocalist but now I've tinnitus on my left as well!
3. What will Dr. Friedman decide to do next? will I have to go home and then come again later? or what?
4. I don't want to go home anyway. Cuz they will force me to undergo radiation therapy which is not recommended for my health! and also the sucky medical hospitality. *sigh*
5. This is quite silly but I seem to have grown attached to my doctor over the past few months eventhough I hardly know him. My heart is rooted here, argh! or yeay?
6. Last and not so important.. I'm supposed to go holiday in England next month but there were so many things to do, (eg. re-routing of flight, time management) mom freaked out and cancelled the whole thing! so what now? u mean my so-called-holiday is going to end so soon?
7. So then... I dunno what will happen in the very near future. I've been wanting the best for my health that my soul has grown accustomed to it. It's like everything comes hand-in-hand.

p/s: Beverly Hills is a great place.

Surgery's over and I'm up and shining again. It was on Monday afternoon and it was finished in the evening. I was in Intensive Care for 1 night and then sent to a regular private room for the next 3 days. Now I'm back here in Seton Hall, my very own guest room. I'm checking up with Dr. Friedman and Dr. Stefan next week and if all goes well, I'll be flying over to Connecticut for a few weeks before departing to England.

I am very grateful because Dr. Friedman who's my surgeon and co-surgeon, Dr. Hitselberger, managed to remove all of the AN residuals without causing any damage to the surrounding nerves and tissues. Such a far cry from what Malaysian surgeons can do. I am not having the ABI just yet because I still have very good hearing on one ear. I hope I will never need it because the ABI cannot restore normal hearing anyway.

But it's very upsetting because I have to leave this place as soon as next week. LA really is a great place with lots of very kind people especially here in St. Vincent's. The doctors, nurses, admitting staffs, assistants, housekeepers, administrators, they are all very nice despite the pay and status differences. Since the first day I am here everyone has been telling me that this is a great hospital and I am in good care. They are certainly right.

I'd like to give credit to my surgeon, Dr. Rick A. Friedman for everything he has done for me. In March 2004, a fellow NFer online introduced me to Dr. Friedman for a second opinion and immediately he offered to remove my tumor for free and went to the extend of getting the hospital to not charge me. Over the course of 6 months, Dr. Friedman and my surgery counselor, Laurie, did their best to get me here as soon as possible. Dr. Friedman reply my e-mails very promptly no matter how irrelevant they were. There were some mis-communication between my aunt and the hospital but he did not blame for me and treat me as an individual by myself. My first meeting with Dr. Friedman was last Friday at the House Ear Clinic and he was very glad to see me. Thanks to him, my surgery was originally not scheduled but for my sake, he fit me in on Monday. So on Monday morning I underwent the usual admitting process, met up with a few other doctors who takes care of me. I did not get to meet Dr. Friedman that morning because he was busy with another minor surgery before me. I only got to meet him in the operating theatre before I was anesthesiast (sorry poor English command) Dr. Friedman really is an extra-ordinary surgeon and the best I have met so far. He's very caring that I can see it in his eyes when he comes to see and pats me by my sickbed. He remembers me no matter how busy he is, he calls the ward to ask about my condition when he was too busy to visit, and he usually does come even for just a short glance. Yesterday, he came to my room in his surgery suit and cap! must have been in between surgeries that he found time out to come see me. He came this morning before I was discharged but this time he was in proper slacks and tie. LOL! Dr. Friedman can be seen walking around quickly without a pause all the time. He is such a dedicated surgeon I hope he does not neglect his own health.

It is hard to meet people like Dr. Friedman nowadays. He's hardworking, assersive, bullish and intelligent. Speaking of which, he is only mere 40 and is already so experienced and skilled in his profession. Many people now choose to live within fate's plan and only do what is needed to live. But to Dr. Friedman, life is not only about himself. If it wasn't for him, I will probably not be able to come here and have my AN removed. I'll be forced to undergo radiosurgery which will inturn activate my NF gene and cause more tumors to sprout.

I love this place so much I really don't feel like leaving but it is not for me to say, right? well... my aunt is applying the green card for me. It'll probably take some time before I qualify for medicare and the US citizenship. I hope that before all these actualise, my tumors will not grow more and cause problems., especially those in my spine.

That's all for now. Will keep you guys updated and thanks for the support.

This is my surgeon, Dr. Friedman. For those who wish to seek medical advice regarding acoustic neuroma and skull base tumors, he's one great neurotologist to contact: rfriedman@hei.org And he can prevent spinal fluid leakage after acoustic neuroma removal which is successful on me.

What a fantastic day I had! Woke up early in the morning, went over to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast after sending some speciments to the clinical labotary. Ate mash eggs, bacon and brownies for breakfast. Then, I quickly changed and went to the supermarket a few blocks away to get some food for my mom when she is here tomorrow. *vegetarians are so troublesome sometimes* It was quite tiring walking there under the hot sun. Its run by spanic people who doesn't speak English and the products are mostly in mexican language. But I can guess what they were. haha! There were a lot of things I wanted to buy but was afraid I could not carry them back. So I ended up buying butter, cheese, some instant food, banana, apples, strawberries etc. It all went up to 14 dollars. Not bad huh? Especially the strawberries. Sounds little but it was heavy! Luckily, when I was walking out a bus just stopped and I hopped on. The driver was so nice she let me ride for free. So I got off at St. Vincent's and passed through the shortcuts to Seton hall.

My body clocked has not adjusted well so I fell asleep after tidying up the groceries. Woke up at 5 something and realise I overslept. So I hurriedly change my clothes and walked over to Wilshire Blvrd a few blocks away. There, I took a bus to the Saramoni beach. I didn't realise it is 1 hour from the hospital but since I'm already on my way, I went on. I had a quick stroll on the beach and decided that I should leave before it gets dark. So I tried finding a proper way home and felt a bit hungry. I saw a shop selling pizza so I went in and ate. It was very delicious! After eating, I realise I'm actually in Santa Monica! I was standing on 3rd Street which is like the Malaysia Bintang Walk. It was so beautiful! In fact, the whole of Santa Monica is decent. I'm not saying that downtown is worse but because Santa Monica is close to Beverly Hills where the rich and famous lives, therefore it has to be 'up-to-standard'. The atmosphere was nice. With cool breeze and fresh air, folk songs played by the buskers. There were jugglers, break dancers, and lots more other performances. There are many shops such as banana Republic and Zara. I got myself a hood for US$15. Isn't it great? It's on sale. I wanted to drink at either coffee bean or starbucks but was afriad I might take too long. About 10 something, I started coming home by bus and it stopped at Alvarado where I have to walk uphill a few blocks before I see the House Ear Institute. It's nostalgic standing there in front of the building. I've been seing that building in a picture on their website for months and now I'm finally here, meeting the surgeon I've been e-mailing for ages. He most probably feels the same too.

Oh forgot to mention, security here is very tight. I have a card to swipe in a machine when making entrance and exit everywhere including the hospital. At Seton hall, there is a key to unlock the lift buttons to activate them. I can only access the level I live on. My room is equipped with a minibar, a separate sink for dishes, a tv, a sofa and ... well it's like a hotel room. There's also a common room where there's a tape recorder and some videos we can watch whenever possible. There's a breakfast room with lots of tables and comfortable chairs that no one uses. In the same room there's a PC which I am using now (also no one uses except me, or I've never seen anyone), 2 printers and a photocopy machine. There's a laundry room with 2 washing machines, a dryer and a few irons. A pantry with food, coffee and water for everyone to share. A huge fridge in case if the minibar in your room gets overloaded, a toaster, an oven and a microwave. There are other utensils too. Basically, the community here are trying to make us at home as possible. Their motto is HOME AWAY FROM HOME, accept for the security system. *giggle* Probably due to 9/11.

It's quite cold here at night and I hope my mom can stand it. She's arriving tomorrow evening and I'm worried she might not find her way. *sigh* Hmmm... That's all for now... here's some picture of the place I'm at.

http://www.hei.org/about/aboutus/hei.jpg

House Ear Institute, California. It's across the street from the hospital. This is where researches are conducted. It also houses the House Ear Clinic.

http://www.houseearclinic.com/rafcolor.jpg

This is my surgeon, Dr. Rick Friedman, MD PHD.

I finally got access to the internet. After two nights staying in a hotel, I'm finally staying in Seton Guest Center where internet access is free. hehehe! LA is a great place. I went around town yesterday and it was great. I missed a stop and got down at Chinatown and MY these chinese here don't speak English! So when I tell them I want to get to Olympic Bouvelard, they think I'm nuts. Luckily in the end I got out of that place and landed myself in downtown where wholesales are and it's like tha american Petaling Street! I oso got to meet a lot of persians, mexicans, spanish and korean. The mexicans are okay but I guess the best is still the English cuz I hear them well. haha! But what I like best about this place? it has got to be the streets. There are a lot of cars but doesn't cause jams. They drive real fast but the moment you step on the road to walk across, even the fastest car stops immediately, at the zebra crossing la ofcourse. The buses here are very frequent and the drivers are so helpful. No wonder got no jams, because everyone opts to take the bus. haha! Saw my surgeon today. Boy, was he glad to see me! If I was a guy he'd probably gave me a big hug. "hey! u finally made it!" oh yeah he's kinda good looking too. and I thought the picture he used online was an old picture. also met Laurie, my surgery counselor and some other people. They are all very nice here in the hospital and the clinic. Ran some tests today and my surgery is on Monday. Yay! Finally! and oh yah... travelling alone is cool.

I met up with Joanne last weekend. We went shopping at Sunway Pyramid and I bought some clothes. On Sunday, we went to church and met up with lots of people like Jennifer and her brother Jack, Luke, Vincent, Phillip, and many more. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not a christian, I just went for the sake of seing my friends. There, I realise something about christianity is that its actually the same as buddhism. They have the same teachings and purpose but both are explained in different ways. Christianity is more of a psychological game and sad to say 2/3 of christians doesn't really understand the meaning of religion and its purpose. In my opinion, all religions are actually a philosophy. It is like school. Why do we need to go to different types of school when all are based on the same education system? might as well do home-schooling! that's cuz school keeps us on track and make sure we do not slack.

All religions teach us the same thing. To do good. Buddhism uses Buddha's life story as an example and christianity uses christ. It's just the way it is told. Buddhism is more direct. We're often told, "do not steal because we will have to return it at a later time, in a different way. While christianity probably states Christ says do not steal therefore you shouldn't, or read the bible everyday because it is good but what it really mean is, revise Christ' teachings and apply them to yourself. I'd say christianity is smarter. Cuz they tackle human weaknesses. People in general are dependant and lazy. They want someone to take care everything for them and wish for someone to idolise. So by believing that Christ is there for them, they eventually read the bible everyday and have faith in Him and his virtues.

It may be a wise idea since most people nowadays do not put effort on something that requires time and persistence to attain. At the end of the day, the same goal is achieved but it is not quite the same. By making one believe Christ is the savior and almighty, he becomes dependant of God and all faults will be solved which is not true. He will not make effort to solve things but pray day in day out. At first I thought this may only apply to the young christians and the elder ones eventually grow out of it but it is not true. After the service, I was chatting with some friends when suddenly Joanne introduced me to a fellow pastor of the church. He got to know I'm about to leave for surgery and offered to pray for me. Before proceeding, he started telling me stories of how people in the past were saved from critical illnesses when he introduced Christ to them. He says that when I become a Christian and believe in Him, He will help me. So I told the pastor that I choose to understand something before believing it is true. But he went on elaborating how I should accept Christ. This pastor is unknowingly tarding Christ' image in people's mind. I feel that it is very irresponsible for people to speculate religions. Because of people like him, many teenagers nowadays convert into christians without knowing anything about it. What if one becomes a christian and then realise they cannot think the christian way? will he be condemned for not being faithful? The word 'faith' shouldn't even be related to any religion. It's about understanding and actualisation, but not idolism like a cult.

I believe that chritianity today wasn't what it was when it was first introduced. Over the years human speculated so much that it has become a problem solver. So everytime someone invited me into any religion I pity them because they have not seen the true purpose of it. It's not a club where people sign up and have fun you know!

In lighter note, I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon and doing my packing now. Latest plan is that I'm going to England after my surgery. I either fly back to U.S when I have enough of England or stay put until March next year. I bought my open return ticket from LA to KLIA, wonder if they allow a change of location. hmmm...

The best way to forget something is to get your mind distracted. I always wanted to know the truth of something. I went high and low in search for the answer but I never got it. Then suddenly, I realise that I'm not ready to accept the answer. My soul may long for something which is not yet acceptable by the body. Someone once told me, "You've to be healthy". I thought he was being ridiculous. Now I 'think' understand what he meant.

Health is seriously very important in our lives. Not just for physical well-being but also for the soul and mind. With a strong body, everything will fall into place. When you force things to happen, it will drift away. That's the universal law. To rib, you need to open your mind. Just like in vocal music, to hit the notes and vibrate, you first need to release tension off your larnyx.

This leads to the fact that I have become stubborn over the years of depression, difficulty and suffering. Because I am so focused and motivated to my goals, I forget to relax. Just like when you concern too much on pitching, you will loose stability and get out of tune. I need something to help me lift the burden. I might have found the aid but I can't have it, not just yet. Looks like I have no choice at this moment. I still need to secure my armor and strive forward. I dream of the day when I win this battle and I know it in my nerves, that day will come.

Message: About yourself

1. Name: Yvonne
2. Single or taken: single
3. Sex: female
4. Birthday: 5th June 1986
5. Age: 18
6. Sign: gemini
7. Eye colour: dark brown
8. Hair colour: black

Relationships

9. Do u have a bf/gf: no.. yes.. no.. yes... NO?
10. Do u have crush: yeps, who doesn't?

Fashion

11. Your favorite place to shop: SungeiWang. lotsa choices and cheap bargains
12. Your favorite shop: none
13. Your favorite label: none but I've a lot of Marks & Spencers
14. Your favorite designer: none
15. Tattoos or piercing: one ear piercing on each ear.

Specifics

16. What’s your job: student
17. Does u do drugs: erm.. morphin? erm.. ponstan?
18. What shampoo does u use: Pantene's good. Now using Sanden Brook's.
19. What is u most scared of: becoming completely dependant
20. Who is the last person that called you?: my aunt from US
21. The last person who sms'ed you: Joanne
22: the content of your last sms: something about tomorrow

Favourites

23. Color: yellow
24. Food: Japanese
25. Boy’s name: the real name of my Yukito.
26. Girl’s name: Yvonne! hahaha!
27. Subjects in school: english
28. Teacher: my english teachers
29. Place: none
30. Animal: dog
31. Sports: figure-skating
32. Drink: water
33. You wish u could live somewhere else: yeps
34. You think about suicide: I think of changing my fate
35. You believe in online dating: sure, it's only a date.
36. Others find you attractive: yea...
37. You want more piercing: what good does it make?
38. You drink: don't like bitter taste
39. You smoke: NEVER
40. You do drugs: yeah those pain killers
41. You like cleaning: quite
42. You like roller coasters: absolutely but hardly any nice ones here
43. You act loud/quiet in a crowd: I always thought I'm a loud person but nope.
44. Ever cried over a girl/boy: yea I dreamt of Yukito in a coffin. drats...
45. Ever cheated over a boy/girl: nope
46. Ever lied to someone and felt guilty: who doesn't lie?
47. Ever been arrested: by prefects? yah.. some years ago

Number

48. Of times I have been in love: a few...
49. Of times I have had my heart broken: a few recently. u really gotta love deep to break
50. Of hearts I have broken: maybe 1
51. Of girls I have kissed: one and it was a DARE~! yuck...!
52. Of boys I have kissed: 2, both are my cousins haha
53. Of girls I’ve slept with: EEEWW!
54. Of boys I’ve slept with: none
55. Of drugs taken illegally: I love myself
56. Of people I consider my enemies: I'm proud to say NONE
57. Of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: ah many times.
58. Of times you made a fool of yourself in public: a fool? got lah hoh
59. Pretty: all the time (cheh!)
60. Funny: i'm more serious lah
61. Hot: ya Malaysia is too hot!
62. Friendly: ain't I always?
63. Ugly: many times especially when I'm sick
64. Lovable: time to interview my friends
65: caring: more to be cared for
66. Sweet: hey this is getting irritating
67. Cute: someone did say I'm cute! *blush*
68. Arrogant: well i never get that comment b4 fortunately
69. Geeky: I ain't a punk so...
70. Photogenic: used to be

Your...

71. Motto: when there's a will, there's a way
72. Best feature: my smile? or my voice?
73. Weakness: looks
74. Next action/ambition: to overcome my next surgery
75. Last words: me getting sleepy already